It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
