Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
