I think i sorta joined a cult last night
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
