So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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