so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
