my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
