nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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