He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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