My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize