I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
