I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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