Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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