Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize