so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
