college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hippo gnu deer
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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