yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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