Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just pee around me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
