He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
