Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
