I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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