Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
