I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
