Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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