Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
