Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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