Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
