I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
