how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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