Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
