i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
