Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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