I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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