My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
