nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
worst night to have a conscience
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
