I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
