She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize