saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
