Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
