Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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