Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
