i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
