Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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