when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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