my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
