the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
