Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
