I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
