in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
