i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
