I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
