And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize