I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
