OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
