Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
