goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
