I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I deserve this hangover.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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