Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
