she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
