you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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