my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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