I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't trust your balls anymore.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
