piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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