On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
