also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
