Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize