We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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