I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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