my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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