the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
