i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
