just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize